lagi pengen nulis. jangan bawel.

halo yang lagi sibuk. bukan, bukan kamu. bukan kamu juga woi. kamu, kamu yang itu, yang pasti ga bakal baca tulisan ini.

my life's changed recently. bahkan buat nulis ratusan juta deret kabel yang udah super ruwet ini aja udah susah amat. mau nekat, gagal. nekat, knocked out. gak keluar. gak keluaaaar. liat gimana tulisan-tulisan ini menjadi sama sekali keluar garis, gak bertutur, gak enak dibaca, and i even messed upon everything. minggu yang berat berhubung uas juga niat banget berceceran on its length. i barely vomit around my bed everynight. alay. oke. bukan masalah apa-apa sih ya. tapi daripada tambah ruwet ini tangan nulisin diary sampe jebol, dan tweeting is no longer appropriate, probably blogging could be another one. biar deh kamu kamu kamu atau kamu baca, but unless you really care, please close tab and walk find another interesting blog. aku mau nyerocos. kadang emang ga enak ya sesuatu itu dipendem lama, sendirian, sampe mau mbledhos wae rasanya, dan ya.. maybe that turns out to be the alibi or motiveee (if you really mind) why people need to write statuses. whether it goes annoying or more is another story. here i am gonna vomit, doing vomit, and yes, move backward, right there, and keep still.

just.. seat, if u want to escort me completing my scene. and once again, close tab if you rolled your eyes already.

thank you.

(state of resignation. hollow.)

i'm not a pro of this thing called heartbreak. i've never really felt it before, and since i'd never given my heart this complete, once i did, i really bear it, right? yes i know.. but nothing left to be seen now. look around. i'm blind. i built a perfect high tower for almost two years but suddenly i got what's been my biggest worry.

The bolts.

those tiny things someone's been ignoring for long. and it happened. the towers... began to collapse. wobbly. saggy. shacky. then ready to spill out.

Udah terlalu menggunung, terlanjur jalan terlalu jauh buat menyamakan arah, nyaris jemek buat dimasak lagi, tapi terlalu sayang buat dibuang. Pada akhirnya maksa makan. terus muntah. kemudian seiring berjalannya waktu, gunungan itu kian teronggok, cuma bisa disapu sekenanya, gak pernah sempet dicikrak, terus kebawa angin lagi sebelum kembali menggungung dengan sempurna. You put me into a jail. stayed there for long until, one day, u asked whether u can have a job out there or not. Complete this sentence. By degrees, u began to put me as a fix cost. As a fix cost, maybe sounds great, until its going concern to the variable. and you were.
Wanna know some stories? This girl in jail kept doing what they used to do. Sometimes sad, sometimes alone, sometimes waiting and mostly wondering from distance. Distance. It used to look closer every-yesterday previously. but the distance finally grows bigger than it looks. She knows she's the one still. She knows he did the right things. She knows he just could not lay as often as before. She knows it is a big business there, it is many people's behalves he is now bearing. She knows she should've been very patient and hardy to be awaiting there in the.. jail. But she sadly becomes another side of his. She knows this 'other side' has a major place there. But it begins to ... it begins to go too far now. Your business, i mean busy-ness, takes you wholly there. It completely, entirely, snatches you. I lost you. ya you should've not see this with that horseglasses on, Mr Busy. can you see me now? dou you? have you realize where am i now?

I am literally lost baby, l o s t .

Oh no, dont start another hatred. you're too strange to see who you're talking to now. you're too.... alien to keep standing there at the opposite. whose things we're fighting for now. whose matters. whose memories. whose hopes. whose vow, promises. whose future. no one's huh?

well keep the mark hangin.

We miss you,
Momod, Iara, & Bear

PS. Mom said it would be very interesting to see things thru your eyes so that see could stop wondering. She said it would probably be a very great chance to re-run everything using your hippocampus so that she knew she would have not missed anything more, every single little details she has missed so far. Well, she's really sorry she couldn't be there to support you, maybe she said, she even often ruined your days. She just missed you, she knew you're very busy while she couldn't move to make some for you. But she always prays for your favor and goods, she just keeps worrying about your terrible meal time, she knows you just can't help it. She maybe made you depressed sometimes, yes I know, with her horrible terms and phrases but it's because she cares. She was afraid of anything she just couldn't imagine. But she knows she's strong. You can think that she was the reason of your pressure, that she never understands, she maybe could only obstructs you. But she really didn't mean to do that. She never asked you to choose or leave one side of your life. But you and her are one. She's not even your another part of life. She is you. So please stop turning her into this side you took as the opposite. Your business is yours maybe. But it doesn't mean that she is one and you business is another one. They're not options. She, once again, never asks you to choose. You with your business keep running and here she's just awaiting. It's not always about the new car you've just driven, but maybe it is the way you drove it. It's not always the new things change you two, but maybe it's the way both of you behave upon these new things. I know you're tired. Well so is she. But she never meant to blame your business. But maybe it is about you. How you treat them, how you, with a full-scheduled timelines could be that unconditionally loving one. Then, if you have problem there, so please don't mess thing to oppose one another. Fix it, then let another things happen. If not, just let her know she has been meaningful for you. Let her know that she does matter. For us.


  1. The last paragraph is really what I am feeling now :')
    I dunno why I always feel better right after read your post. thank you sav. keep "curhating" haha

  2. did u mean the 'PS' paragraph?? i think im still having no idea how they could relate you, but it's good knowing that <3
    actually it refers to Iara, she's telling her Dad. (only if you know what i mean :)
    well, things will go better. in case we're just growing up. there's no 'too old' term to think things such way! keep growinggg