aku ki wes ngopo wae to?

Year is changed and what what are in your bags of life have been revolved?

I will turn 19 by this June and Matt goes 20 next month.


T W E N T Y .


What a spell you and everyone in this world (me involved, indeed) chill the most. Well probably if you are older, you know how it tastes afterwards. People who's already got the sacred age tells me everything wasn't the same. Ever.

Then, as you follow the phases I got last year, I, myself, nearly conclude that.. everybody else has done so much further in the front. Then where was--am I? Trying to draw the line of the chronicle, exactly by the end of 2014 I didnt go everywhere but wrote a bucket of lists. What lists? My list of the bad sad rad mad days, and the great glad ones.

I read that I was waaaaay so far from the words come-of-age. I decreased. I saw myself turning a minus two three or somewhere year old while every other people is ready to fly.

Well, to be fledge, we need to be a learner. There's a line where you did not know. Then you did finally know. At the time you realize what you have not known. Then you were grown by knowing what you haven't known before. That's a flow. And my chart really is an eyeshore.

I laughed, sometimes kasihan sama diri gue sendiri, most times with two rounds of carmine upon tese cheeks. I read that I was being too focus on how not to be hypocrite while, in the back side i became, over naive.

I read that i was mess between being good and being true. I was on mess thinking that people couldnt lie over and again to themselves about this life, about the reality, about what others' thinking, people just couldnt be always smiling for making other people proud but be happy for what they have done. But hello, all of them is packed on one cardboard.

To be fledge you will learn that everything need adjustment. You finally learn a lot of approaches (read: eprawciz), i mean you even would be able to hand yourself a book with pages full of ways of dealing with this and that, this person these hearts and heads, you cant really be a whole self-willed that you just are. To be fledge you learn that gradually, time is a big lie. You can barely think about yourself, your safari, but obligations. There you know that you live in the community. You pulled off the words of tumblr that dont take anything for granted. Bitj you just ought to, should take em for granted. Exceptions, a. happily granted b, grumpily granted. You forget time and go on. Then you grow with them. Responsibility replaced the memories and emotions. You keep moving, and you learned to be happy in silence.

You learn, that people's smiles make yours.

You learn, untuk sedih secukupnya, dan berbahagia seperlunya.




From my single seat this afternoon, sincerely, my new haircut.

Ayik Golden Ways

Sometimes, we felt the hot sting on the tongue when tasting our own coffee. Everyone has their own way to express it. So is life, everyone has his/her own way to be against problems in life. No need to get upset.

Do not be too sad. What happened happens, but it is only the theory. Practically people want to rewind times, fix things, regret the holes and cry over no-s.

You know what is funny, people make their own theory and break it practically, such a waste but they called it human being. Agreed. Well I have to agree even when I am not.

What really matter is ourselves. Get to know ourselves. Try to forgive ourselves. It is that hard but again hard depends on us not him not her not them. Accept the bitterness or sweetness but no worry if it tastes not right at least we learn something. Without the bad days, we never know how to be glad to have the good ones. Satisfied is time when we can spend our coffee without getting a bitter taste of the dregs.

We can make options if we do want it, if we are clear to see it.

Sudibyo.

Saya masih ingat bagaimana beliau mengatai tulisan saya habis-habisan.

Tidak berhenti, satu jam penuh beliau berbicara mengenai plagiarisme dan implikasinya di depan kelas. Tak jarang sorotnya berhenti pada saya saat menekankan beberapa hal.

Masih jelas dalam ingatan saya, bagaimana beliau mulai menyebutkan 15 karya terbaik yang akan beliau bukukan. Masih jelas dalam ingatan saya bagaimana beliau satu per satu membacakan judul demi judul, baik yang masih asli atau yang sudah beliau sunting.

Sepuluh, sebelas, empat belas... Beliau berhenti pada judul terakhir.

Judul karya Puput, Nana dan Reyhan sudah lewat mewakilkan nama-nama yang lahir dari kelas kami.

Kemudian beliau kembali bersuara,

"Ini. Yang satu ini."

(jeda)

"Sangat menggelitik saya. Masih saya simpan hingga sekarang. Bagus sekali. Terlalu bagus, saking bagusnya saya..."

(matanya menatap saya.)

"Maaf, Saveera, ini kamu buat sendiri?"

"Iya pak!" (jawab saya, sudah saya duga sindiran satu jam penuh minggu lalu itu ditujukannya pada saya. tubuh saya mulai bergetar. entah puas, geram, atau tegang)

"saya membuatnya sesubuh penuh pak, tanpa internet. Saya berani bersumpah pak." (saya tahu, seminggu penuh telah beliau gembor-gemborkan bahwa ada seorang siswi yang memalsu dengan sangat parah di kelas lain. saya mendengar kabar itu.)

"Benar?"

"Saya berani bersumpah pak."

"Saveera, tulisanmu bagus sekali. Seperti sudah jam terbang tinggi. Benar kamu tulis sendiri?"

"Tanpa internet sedikitpun pak." Saya masih tegang. Bergetar. Seisi kelas hening.

"Kamu berbakat nak. Makanya, saya ini ragu. Tapi masih saya simpan. Saya beri nilai 86 kemarin. Saya pikir ini bukan tulisan kamu sendiri. Untuk ukuran anak SMA bahasamu sudah sangat melampaui. Maaf, sungguh, maaf yang sebesar-besarnya Saveera."

(entah berapa kali kemudian beliau masih mengulang-ulang beberapa frasa ucapannya)

Saya tercenung. Beliau melanjutkan,

"Dari siapa kamu belajar? Sudah pernah ikut lomba belum? Siapa nama ibumu? Siapa nama guru SDmu? Guru SMP? Tulisanmu bagus sekali."

Mulai dibacakannya judul karya saya. Isi ulasan esai saya. Kata demi kata. Sembari menyungging senyum.

"Sekali lagi saya minta maaf Saveera. Kamu berbakat nak, teruslah menulis. Kamu bisa menghasilkan banyak uang dari tulisanmu. Kamu makan dari sana. Sungguh. Saya minta maaf sekali lagi ya Saveera. Saya beri nilai 92." Kala itu, belum ada yang mendapat nilai 93.

Tidak penting bagi saya nilai itu. Siang itu, saya menemukan nyawa saya.



Pagi hari sebelum saya meninggalkan asrama untuk selamanya, beliau berlari menghampiri saya. Meminta nomor henfon.


Pagi itu, saya kembali ke kamar dengan air mata. Memeluk nyawa saya, erat-erat.

Dear 2015

I didnt spell it /res-o-lu-tion/. I call it a list of target.

1. Nice GPA
2. Gadjah Mada University 2015
3. Be thrifty
4. Permanent sideline on Jakpost
5. KPPM 2015 = Smash!
6. Ecofest 2015 = Blast!
7. Social Project SA Alumnies = Smashblast!
8. Write a proper public-launched book
9. Stay 46 kg
10. Back to the band-life
11. Create other short movies
12. Make more friends. Find the best ones
13. Do cooking!
14. Adventure more.
15. Jog more.
16. Laugh more.
17. Fight less.
18. Eight glasses of mineral water
19. Climb a mountain
20. Win some trophies