i dont know but i dont mind

6 years have passed since i started to lose ambitions and pretty much got along with it. from how it bothered me so much, until i began to really believe that maybe, i was just born with it (cuz my mum often said that even from the year where i learned to walk, i never wanted to finish anything).

the first time i learned to walk, i didn't even walk. i ran. i ran in full circle and then sat. i never walked again until months later. i could read just before preschool, and somewhere around first grade, i was brought to meet this old professor in surabaya, who later, brought me to seminars and big halls. i remember sitting there on the stage in front of hundreds of people who wore suits. i remember being moved to a public school in surabaya to join third grade that same year. i remember mom and i had to live in a small room, smaller than my current room. i remember the way to that new school, we would ride angkot and pass through kali kepiting everyday. there in new city, unfamiliar environment, new friends, new culture, this immature mind had to process things beyond its reach. i can't remember what experiment i was in, but i didn't fancy any of it.

i won dozen of competitions in junior high school. i never felt happy. i was forced to train and compete. i didn't enjoy any of it. even after i brought home prizes.

i got 150 millions of scholarship in senior high school. soon after settling into dormitory, i looked for comfort, a cave to snug down and hide. "nobody will force me to do anything from now on," i said to myself. i was so comfy in my zone and feeling insecure every time i had to go outside. i never tried, not even once, to be in the spotlight.

i loved (and was kind of good at) writing back in my early years there and won journalistic club chairs in my first semester. i wasn't even at the venue the night they counted the votes. i was.. somewhat happy. being told you might be good at something without having to prove yourself or put any effort, some people might hate it but that time (and i'm not proud of it), i sort of appreciated it. my damaged thought process was: either i was lucky or it was real and they saw it in me.

because if i had to promote myself and showcased my ability to be voted, i wouldn't bother. i wouldn't want to be chairs in the first place if you asked me.

i could have joined choir, debate club, or school bands, but i had no energy to sell myself at that time.

or any time. yeah rumor has it, it has always been on me.

it's true.

starting uni, i once had trivial 'ambitions' during orientation weeks and ticked them all almost easily:

- joining student senates 

- joining journalistic club

- joining stock exchange club

(normally people would not join more than two, not only because intake 2014 had more than 900 students, but also because nobody became a member of three altogether in eleven years.)

ticking all three and done with welcoming parties, my old pattern emerged from the surface. one, two, three big events, people sort of knew my name and i started to withdraw as often as possible. i only joined compulsory meetings. i even bailed on the next year's faculty orientation big committee (hard to pass the selection but i never signed for it. my name was just there.) but they still asked me to write buku suci's opening letter/editorial lmao they didn't give up.

then i started to do things outside campus, outside from the major i truly hate and have zero passion for. the state of being anonymous WAS THE GREATEST. I LIVE FOR IT. i became very productive like happily. the state of being anonymous. the state of being anonymous. the state of being anonymous. the state of being anonymous. the state of being anonymous. the state of being anonymous

is what i need the most to function.