I had (or have?) been kind of (undiagnosedly, but didn't find a better word) depressed for almost 8 years. But the last couple of years... it has been different. The misery feels different. The triggers are different. Of course the roots are way deeper and it has been my own issue, but I just realized that maybe just maybe, my environment or surroundings (amplified by certain bad experiences* and wrong responses or mistreatment) can affect my mental state so much.
*bad experiences including pandemic, losing my grandpa during quarantine, being jobless for 6 months during pandemic in a new city, working for toxic companies twice back-to-back for 8 months, underpaid, the feeling of not having safety net (place to go home after being nomad since 2011, trustfunds, siblings/parents being present as motivation or sense of security, etc.), etc.
Well, these are still assumptions (and may be an irresponsible thought process) but:
1. Being nomad for 11 years, away from family and outside from their house, I used to live in such fair and honest but empathetic environment.
1.1. My friends (at that time) might not be the smartest or privileged people but we always managed to have healthy communication and empathetic responses. Or at least, we always wanted to try. Of course it may be different depends on how close each circle is, the way we treat or perceive the connections and how invested we want to be. I know some of friends too who did not even think about any of this and that's totally okay, maybe even better for the sake of sanity and a simple life. For me personally, the closer the circle, the more invested and caring I will be. Caring does not mean lack of boundaries. Caring means the amount of energy, time, love and effort I would voluntarily invest in, give for somebody. These "friends" I mentioned earlier, I considered them my first tier of people. We did not even hold the same values or moral compass or necessarily have similar preferences (since my friend A was a grumpy and she sulked A LOT, and my friend B liked to keep things for herself), but at least... at least we always communicated everything and tried to understand. If I live with the people I do not consider my close friends, I will never bother, not even a little bit, to spare my time and energy for anything. I can be that detached bitch who do me and let them do them. But if I consider somebody is important, I will voluntarily try to understand (we can never understand a person entirely bit by bit, but at least we can try to understand--) why they did what they did or thought the way they thought, what felt wrong for them and what felt wrong for us. The output is not to fix the issues or to fit in, but as simple as to have better understanding and spare some spaces for things beyond our comprehension... sincerely, without annoyance. Cutting to "ya dia emang gitu" or "ya udahlah" without any communication, and we're losing the connection.
1.2. At least we also knew that we did not vibe by supporting or normalizing or being apathetic towards the wrongdoings or bad habits a friend might show or develop just because the other friend did that too or just because the bad habits/wrongdoings did not harmful for this other friend. Or even normalizing "yeah people can still dislike each other while being friends" and casually talking about others behind their back because it's normal to still dislike your friends. Or worse, being apathetic/apolitical and saying: "my box mine, your box yours, not my business, not peeking your kitchen, you don't see me in this house". All that being said, it might sound cool and woke, but for me personally, that sounds like enabling. And enabling is not caring. Okay you can do it to any people but I don't think you casually do it with the people you love and care about.
EXCEPTIONS:
- you don't have mental capacity.
- you actually don't intend to be invested in all this.
Totally respect that because you should care about yourself first. I second that. But if you do, let me continue:
Just when will people get the idea that being involved does not always mean you are interfering? When will people realize that they can still participate on the matter by giving their takes on it, bridging, or maybe just by listening, or asking. Of course by still remembering that the person we talk to is still a person, not god, who might have a tiny heart and vulnerability, or might be fragile, and that we love them. Sometimes we forget that we love the person and let the irritation wins.
Give space, but say something. Ask. Call out. Just say something. Maybe they are too afraid to say it directly. Nobody was aware of why somebody did something in the first place or why somebody felt something was wrong, but instead, how somebody delivered their issue. Nobody helped anybody. Lose-lose. Game over.
Please tell me why is it the first reaction is to feel attacked and miss the real point. Do we never want anybody else to win? Or, do we feel anybody else doesn't want us to win? Is it the way you read it? The tone you imagine I will use? Is it the way I present the idea (need to be more subtle and less intimidating? use memes other person create to be less personal?)? Is it that you are just tired of me and putting me in that box filled of annoying persons that you will never rearrange?
I know. I know, I am not everybody and everybody is not me. But the point was never to attack anybody. The point was never a war or a punishment.
I don't want to play the numbers game here. Some of my high school friends told me that I need to meet people my age or older more. I kind of seconded that the first time I heard it, but lately I said to myself: come on, you're just tired and it's easier to over rationalize everything. Also yesterday when I took the mental age quiz, NEVER A SECOND THAT I INTENDED TO PROOF SOMETHING. Had a talk with my partner this morning that narrow-minded people might feel that I tried to say something. I cringed and laughed out loud. What????? Being mature sounds great to me, I admit that. But not that I would one-sidedly take pride on being old. You can be 41 and over worry. You can be 23 and sophisticated. Or you can be 38 and average. Conclusion, it does NOT mean the older your mental age, the more MATURE you are. The mental age, to me, shows how our mental ages can sometimes become our barrier but also tool to understand each other more. First, it proves that we might not vibe or have different approaches. But then, it rings the bell and trigger acceptance.
Last one... sweeping under the mat is not healthy too, the debris will eventually came out and we're gonna sweep it again if it does not stay there forever. If you want to prioritize yourself first, I totally get it. If things are too much too handle, believe me I get it. If you need time, take as much. If you prefer to just get over it and move on, okay. But please, somewhere along the way, let me know.
After writing the first train of thoughts, self reminders that I use to cancel myself:
01: "The problem is, you care too much. You should care about yourself first. Mind your own business. We all are broken already."
02: "Maybe it's all just that... the people you care about might not be as invested in the relation you both share and have. One-sided love never feels easy. It's okay. Slowly accept that and move on."
2. I always had a very loving partner in my previous relationships. Maybe a little too caring and loving, I never needed any validation as what they gave was always enough, enough until I had it spare. This enough motivation and affirmations made me feel hopeful and able to proceed to other areas in my life. I thrived.
Now, I still work on my self esteem and motivation in daily basis to be able to finally feel enough to aim and dream or even take a look at the other areas of my life. Just yesterday my current partner asked me to talk about it:
We've talked about sooo many things these past 3 years, and of course we talked about it before. But most of the times, he got my point days, weeks, months, even years after I said it. Yesterday, we came to complete realization that it could be my current tendencies--that I might have had anxious attachment, and that the "previous toxic relationship" was ours, back in our early years.I always prefer communicating and processing as soon as possible, talking about triggers and motives, understanding tendencies, and discovering blind spots. He liked to sulk, grump, silent-treat or project his emotions until it went away, then he might or might not talk about it hours or days later. I was wrong, he was wrong, both of us were wrong. I should have given him time and spaces he needed, he should have been more responsible with the emotional baggage and should have tried to process instead of projecting aimlessly. Sometimes he needed to shut me up because I put too much pressure on him, and most of the times I needed to ask him about it or remind him that we had some unfinished business when it was a little bit too late.This slowed me down. Times I could have taken to flourish and branch-out, I took it to solve unnecessary or supposedly simpler issues. Not to mention my other issues (ultra low self-esteem to name a few) that are still underdeveloped due to my slow improvement, and his lack-to-almost-no affirmation (my primary love language) and the terror I got from his unintentionally harsh responses or plain words.He has changed though. A LOT. Yay to character development. Meanwhile I might or might not have lost 2-3 years of self-growth opportunity.You may also say it was on me because I could have:- Split and ran away.
- Stayed in the ship but minding my own business and maintaining a bare minimum, transactional relationship: my box is mine his box is his, as long as we haven't married we are 2 different entities so please mind your own business outside from romantic categories. Even when we are married I still do me and you will do you.
I know. And he told me that too.
I am not a naive person. I saw red flags since day 1 even day minus some months. I chose to go this way.
Well well. I am ready to heal and come back to life now. But I'll take it slowly.
And yeah, I am sorry I have been bothering you with my hurry-scurries, trauma stories etc. etc. Anyone could just pout and say, "you were not supposedly that powerless!" or they could think I was seeking for attention, being immature, making excuses, guilt-tripping, being passive-aggressive yada yada yada but after realizing many things, maybe I was just that lonely and confused after all, while working as a full-time human 24/7. And despite everything... as a person who could expect something from me, you may felt disappointed when I could not to be that person you wanted me to be.
You know what, after draining my own self for a long and tiring discourse, I begin to realize that everything I have written, it's all just the echoes of what I might have done myself in the first place. Here we go, it all comes back to me. Every word I wrote, every case I pointed out. All the way around. I just put a giant mirror right here before me.
So I'm gonna end this long passage of love. But let me dump some questions so we can pause and think, if anyone at all ever read it:
1. Do you see me as your human friend, or as a persona from a distance and detach me from being... human being?
2. How did you initially see me as an individual?
3. Does your initial perception affected the way you perceive me personally, especially after we got closer and you finally saw my other sides which I did not show initially and might upset you?
4. Will you take time to spare some space for any back stories/triggers/reasons/etc. a person might have that influence them to do some things you cannot relate to?
5. Do you sometimes being subjective in treating people?
6. Does applying double standard sound possible for you? If yes, is it possible that cognitive biases such as fundamental attribution error, halo-effect, moral-luck, in-group favoritism, self-serving bias, etc. get in the way?
7. If I upset you, do you prefer to:
a. Feel upset and move on. Still love me though but still also feel irritated.
b. Feel upset, wait for me to hit you up first because you don't feel I am your safe space.
c. Feel upset, wait for me to hit you up first because you don't feel I can handle it.
d. Feel upset, wait for me to hit you up first because you want me to "earn it" as penitence for the terrible mistakes I've done in the past.
e. Feel upset and ask why I did what I did or call me out right here right then.
f. Feel upset and ask why I did what I did or call me out once you're ready.
Bottom line, this is not me being entitled with my opinions. All of these are my personal perspectives, carved by whatever came to my life in 26 years, upbringings, traumas and other unique experiences. But at least I care to explain so you don't have to go miles or learn the hard way to see the grids of why I do what I do the way I do it. If you ever care at all.
When I share my personal pov, it is NOT for you to follow it, say amen to it, or fit into it.
When I share my personal pov, it is when I desperately want us to share some compassion, to have better understanding, to know yours. I want to know what you think. Please say something. I know that connection cannot be forced but how can we have it if we never try?
To have better understanding.
To achieve love and sincere acceptance, not only transactional respect.
To see differences not as "agree-to-disagree matter" but as the beauty of life that make us grow. Individually. Socially.
If you ever care, at all.
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