Lately

it's been hard for me to translate my thoughts into words.

it was never difficult to elaborate what i thought and felt, to write it all down, but it is now.

i don't know if it has something to do with being over 25, but if i'm allowed to rationalize what it does with my age, maybe the older we get, what matters more is what we undertake. maybe the older we are, we have less time to reflect, unless it brings resolution. the line between important and unimportant becomes bolder, and it would cost us just to take some time to wonder and do "unimportant" things. who makes the rule of what's important and what's not anyway?

when we get older, we have more responsibilities, and before we know it, we'd use all the time we had to pull everything together and fulfill those responsibilities. or maybe it's just me and my complications. maybe once i grew up rich that i knew how it felt to have all the options, or maybe i grew up selfish and now i become too selfless just to do whatever i want. now i don't think i have such luxury.

...

ok i think it's safe to say it's just me and my complications after all.

i've started to lose my sparks in 2020.

or maybe once i entered uni (oh goddd not this topic again...). but even in the uni, i still cheated and made sure that i still tried what i wanted.

then jakarta happens, and of course i've still cheated every now and then.

still, i've begun to lose myself before i even realized.

the realization came not long ago, when i went home 6 months ago.

i went away from home when i was 15. 3 years of high school and all i have is friends who came home to other cities. then i went for uni and continue to make friends who left their home to other cities. the networks got bigger but the circles got smaller. i rarely went home, but