Lately

it's been hard for me to translate my thoughts on words. it was never difficult to elaborate what i think and feel and write it down, but it is now.

i don't know if it has something to do with being over 25, but if i'm allowed to rationalize what does it do with my age, maybe the older we get, what matters more is what we undertake. maybe the older we are, we have less time to reflect, unless it brings resolution. the line between important and unimportant becomes bolder, and it costs us to take sometime just to wonder and do "unimportant" things. who makes the rule of what's important and what's not anyway? life. when we get older, we have more responsibilities, and before we know it, we use all the time we have to pull everything together to fulfill those responsibilities. or maybe its just me and my complications. maybe once i grew up rich and have all the options. and now i don't have such luxury. or maybe i grew up selfish and now i become too selfless to just do whatever i want to do. yeah, i think it's safe to say it's just me and my complications.

i've started to lose my sparks in 2020.

or maybe once i entered uni (oh goddd not this topic again...). but even in the uni, i still cheated and made sure that i still tried what i wanted.

then jakarta happens, and of course i've still cheated every now and then.

still, i've begun to lose myself before i even realized.

the realization came not long ago, when i went home 6 months ago.

i went away from home when i was 15. 3 years of high school and all i have is friends who came home to other cities. then i went for uni and continue to make friends who left their home to other cities. the networks got bigger but the circles got smaller. i rarely went home, but