The last stage.

 Acceptance.

I went through denial phases just instantly most of the times; pausing and reconstructing the way i think and perceive things, challenging my own perspectives, checking my egos etc., etc. It was not their fault, it was on me, I could have controlled it, I could have a, I could have b, I could have c. Yada yada yada.

Then sometimes, when I felt like bursting, I burst. Anger.

Then came the bargaining phases where I wrote an unaddressed open letter, which usually ended up hurt the other parties. Followed by the depression which rang incredibly true on "What happened really?". Fresh from the oven, I wrote it exactly 7 days ago.

This week, the anger, the bargaining and the depression formed a very rapid wave that I would just have 2-3 meltdowns in one day. Like tsunamis.

I cannot hold it anymore. I think it was 3 days ago that I texted my bestfriend who lives in Borneo. I told her I could not bear with anything anymore. If you don't know me, I practically never text anyone.

It's getting worse. It was very painful and messy down here that today for the first time after years, I thought about death. It felt so lonely and confusing and sad and miserable. I felt like I really hated everyone. Everybody is mean. I rarely let myself win but every time I try to put myself first they won't let me. Indirectly. Cleverly. It hurts. It hurts like hell. I am 26 years old but I feel like a 15-year-old girl thinking she is the most heartbroken human in the world. Clueless. Having nobody. Having no purposes. Having zero confidence. Having no self esteem. Nobody wants to invest in her anyway. Nobody thinks she can be vulnerable. Nobody thinks she worths being understood. It hurts. People are so mean. Especially in their silence.

How come when other people pinch me and it hurts me it's on me but when other people feel hurt because I pinch them accidentally it's still on me??? Almost every time. Almost everybody is fine with it. How? Why? It's unfair and it hurts.

I hated the way they only measured the final results. Everything was stripped from its context. Person A is chilling, vibing and silent. Person B is struggling, sharing their pain and loud. Person A does nothing. Person B is problematic.

Then it finally hits me that I'm the one who let people treat me like trash.

I have always felt fine with being an extra cast though.

But now it finally hits me that although I am okay with being a sidekick, the robin to batman or whatever, and even I allow them to see me as one (it's a sarcasm though), what really matter is the opportunity I have missed to really find the people that will truly see me as a person, who want to have and maintain a connection that is mutual and reciprocal with me.

I still feel okay to be this sincere and all-out even though I keep "losing", but I need to reassess about those opportunities I could have taken to meet the people who would have actually accepted me for who I am. Only then I can grow.

And for the 4th time today, I cried once again. Acceptance can be heartbreaking but it sets us free.