quarter life crisis (2)

i thought by keeping myself busy i would reduce the time to feel depressed. i would prevent sadness, emptiness, loneliness or any other related state of negativity.

i was wrong.

i felt depressed for being useless. then one day thank God i turned to be productive and felt depressed no more.

as the time goes by i become 'very' productive, and once you did these things you started to crave doing more things. that was when productivity started consuming you.

your life ran so fast you didnt see things coming. everything is rushing, shooting, you can only keep running--maybe flying in some cases. i tell you, being productive is very addictive. it was satisfying to make other people satisfied and once you made it, you wanted to keep their trust, and they became your priority.

your directions are slowly changed and you didnt have much time even to think about it. you think you're getting to the next level, one step closer to maturity. in fact instead of being wise, you just learned to choose your priority, to focus on the things that worth your energy, or the things that will give you something fair; a stair, a career, the state of being secured, clarity or recognition. or maybe a family, this sense of belonging, intimacy, maybe ambition.

now that your speed increases, you can accelerate. but everything is getting complicated and the more you knew, the more you realized you have known nothing. it's overwhelming.

the more thing there is, the less time there will be. the less time you have, it's getting harder to comprehend everything as a whole.

time flies so fast you start begging for a slow life.

ah, once you could spare a little, maybe it was a lil bit too late. everything was pilled up, you had no idea where to start, how to snug, you just keep watching em, hopeless.

yknow sometimes the more things happened, the more you wanted to share. and lesser time you had, the more you would know that, it's better to just enjoy the present,

and let everything lasted.


dude, honestly, i just miss being alone sitting at the park bench somewhere looking at the sky, at the people passing by among strangers, recalling every single thing that has happened. i miss being on my own, being not necessarily obliged to do anything. it's not that when im productive i miss being useless or when i am useless i feel depressed for doing nothing. it's just that, i need a break some time im just tired.

so scared of getting older
im only good at being young
so i play the numbers game to find a way
to say that life has just begun

had a talk with my old man
said, "help me understand."
he said, "turn 68,
you'll renegotiate
dont stop this train
dont for a minute change the place you're in
dont think i couldn't ever understand
i tried my hand
john, honestly, we'll never stop this train."

quarter life crisis?

i guess existentialism issue sounds so 2014 already. so now let's try another one we may fit in. lmao.

well i was afraid had suffered depression or any-cool-named crisis lately, like i just felt sad every once awhile without any reason. it happened once, then it's gone, and came again, and the cycle kept turning to the other side.

u may feel familiar, i might have told u before, the same situation ever happened--a bored, confused girl with a medium level frustration tried to both curse and conquer the world. but that was an old issue i finally could overcome. this recent 'crisis' is kinda different. i feel productive instead, i go to college, i have some jobs at the same time, i earn, i enjoy my work environment. but i felt sad anyway, occasionally. and its been bothering me.

shiz im no kid anymore. i should've not expressed this whole condition in a seamless, total explicit recount. anyway.

you know what, it's not. i think i dont suffer the so called quarter life crisis. afterall people my age is going through the same phase elsewhere in this world. we all begin to leave our comfort zone to enter a total real life. barefoot. naked. some of us bring curiosity. some of us, anger. some of us, passion. maybe other with bad intention we never know.

disoriented, confused. we feel lonely and small. but maybe it's just that we are tired. we are tired and somehow we just feel demotivated. we're only human. all of these growing up things may drain our energies sometimes. yet everything remains unfulfilled. the world is very demanding these days. we might push our limit a lil bit too hard. society told us it will paid off. and sure it will. it's ok to cry, but i want u to know, you're not alone. we all go through this phase with that pain in the ass and u know what, it's ok.

it's not a crisis, it's not a shit talk. honestly it's just a casual exhaustion, a sign form our own selves that we need a rest, sometimes. to sit down, calm our mind and come back to that one lil park where we start it all. we need to see how the seeds we'd planted have grown to those beautiful flowers. we need to find back the reasons why we all start it and stop seeing the other park.

let's focus on our park. how green it is no matter how yellow it actually was. dude we need to mow some areas later. look how the plot of the garden is asymmetrical and how beautiful it is. and why dont we embrace the weather? it's raining and going to storm. it's snowing and we start to freeze. the sun is up and our skins turn red.

let's do it anyway
listen to good songs and dance to it
go to karaoke, live concert, sing your heart out to these songs u love
find somebody to hug
find someone to have fun with, laugh out loud, and cry

say thanks

smile to strangers passing by

forgive everybody. forgive ourselves.

then stand up, and let's continue the journey.